are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
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You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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