I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
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Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
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Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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