Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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