So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
