Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Randomize
