I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
