My sheets look like a crime scene.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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