there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
