M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
