what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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