made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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