I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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