At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
A+ Viking dick
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
