Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
