i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
