Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
