What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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