And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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