i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
