Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
25 People Confess The Most Awkward Situation They’ve Ever Been In
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
These Are 21 Of The Most Delusional People Ever
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
We're too hungover to prance.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help