he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba