I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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