A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
