i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
