I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
