Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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