My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
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he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
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He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
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