Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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