brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
