M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
