He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
we should paint friendship bongs
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
