New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I AM VODKA MAN
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
