You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.