we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life