I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.