It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
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I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
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Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.