I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
