If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
