I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
