you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
