just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
