I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
