i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
