Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I queefed so loud it echoed.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
