I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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