Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
fuck your aforementioned shoe
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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