omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
