from now on my penis is your penis
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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