If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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