it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize
