I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
