I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
