On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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