i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
