i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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