Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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