i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
