She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
