Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
