the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
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Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
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Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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