Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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