I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
