all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
