I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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